Alllll By Myselllllllfff

I've always had this unrealistic fear of being alone. Sure, just like every young woman (or maybe it's just me), I'm terrified of ending up living in my collection of shoes with a million cats and having really stringy, gross and greasy gray hair that topples over my books as I spend hours reading erotic romance novels.

Ahh. The thought alone makes me cringe and want to go to the gym or the salon.

While that fear is a little too unrealistic and far-fetched, being alone can come in many senses. Not having a passionate love life is one thing, but being without friends or family is a completely different subject.

I do live with my parents currently, so that void isn't missing -but the friend part is seriously lacking.

I knew graduating early would have its perks and disadvantages, but sitting at home night after night with only my overly-energetic pup, Suzie Lou to keep my warm and loved, really sucks.

I feel so out of the loop of what's going on in my friends' lives, and we are all making a great effort to stay in touch, but it's not the same as sharing a Nacho Basket at McAllister's or getting tipsy off $1 drafts at Flipside on Thursday.

God, I never thought I'd miss Boone.

I'm ready for this big move so I can make new friends and have new experiences full of adventure and intrigue -but part of me is terrified. What if I don't make friends? What if the bottom of my dreams and bank account falls out from underneath me? What if I have to move back home? What if I feel this lonely, alone and afraid forever?

Part of this lonely river I'm currently swimming in is teaching me a lesson. It's showing me how to stand on my own two feet without having physical or constant support from other people. Moving to NYC will only intensify this lesson, and I know more than anything, I need to know I can survive independently before I can ever depend on completely putting my trust in someone else. It's teaching me to save money, to make peace with alone and quiet time, and most importantly, to be secure in who I am, where I'm going and in the path it takes to connect the two.

This lesson is a difficult one, but one day, I'll look back and be thankful for the opportunity and growth.

But for now, I can listen to Celine Dion's "All By Myself" and miss my lovely friends in Boone while the snow falls silently and peacefully outside. Great, now I'm trapped. Ehh...

39 days
3 job applications