Letting Go, but Not Forgetting: The Key to Getting Over Someone

In every relationship we experience, there are certain memories that remain long after the relationship has ended. What remains locked in the back of our minds are not the typical thoughts that come with every relationship: the first time you saw him, when he asked to be your boyfriend, etc, but the insignificant details of his presence in your life.

With one of the guys I dated, there is one moment I swear I’ll never forget -not because it was incredibly rare or out of the ordinary, but because it was the moment I knew I was falling in love with him, and that he had the ability to break my heart.

We went to see some band at an on-campus club via my photography pass from the newspaper I worked for (I almost got fired for that, by the way), and we spent the night dancing and talking and listening to a somewhat decent group of guys bang on drums and strum a guitar. I can’t say the music stayed with me, but his touch did.

He wasn’t fresh or inappropriate, but he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He wasn’t overly sexual and I didn’t feel uncomfortable, but I realized for the first time he was just as into me as I was into him. I sighed a sigh of relief at the time, and sank into his arms as we took silly pictures and laughed as nothing particularly, just at the happiness that came of us being together.

And then, the last song came on, and I was prepared to dance again, when he turned me around, wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. It wasn’t the best kiss we ever had, and it wasn’t the last, but when his lips touched mine, that entire room became oblivious.

There was no band playing, there were no drunken hippies dancing awkwardly next to us or people stepping on my heels. The lights weren’t shining down on us, the room wasn’t damp from sweat and body heat -nothing else was in that room but him.

After what seemed like an hour of kissing, but probably was just a few seconds, I opened my eyes and looked at him, and we were both quiet but saying more with a single stare then we probably said to one another the time we dated. I still get chill bumps thinking about it right now.

While we had lots of good memories together and fun, passion, romance and sweet nothings I of course will never forget -above all other things, he opened me up. He stopped the rest of the world around me -the chaos, the busy schedules, the go-getter girl I am, the constant worrying about tests and GPAs and internships, and he made me relax.

He gave me a center, a peace of mind and a security that no one ever has. He wasn’t the first guy that wanted to take care of me or call me his but he was the first (and only, so far) that I allowed to.

Before this certain guy, I had this huge wall up against guys. I credit it to my past, my own insecurities and my fear of being forever damaged, but I was the girl who was not going to let a guy in until I knew for certain he wouldn’t disappoint me. I was confident that when I met someone that could be something and my heart finally felt that “thing” I was looking for -I would allow my wall to crumble.

I was certain it would fall to the ground easily and the struggle wouldn’t be difficult because I would trust whoever it was I was letting in.

So, down came my wall after that kiss in the middle of the dance floor. Without trouble, without a bulldozer, without a swinging ball or army of ten million men -in one kiss, my wall was down and I became exposed to him.

While that kiss seemed to be the promise of a powerful and passionate relationship, the fates had something different in mind. Needless to say, we broke up long before anything had time to flourish.

That memory, along with a several more from every single relationship, fling, encounter or date I’ve ever had, could be hurtful. That memory could remind me of what I had, what slipped away, what never was, what could have been or what never will be.

It could remind me of my shortcomings, my uncertainty about my future in relationships, my fear of not finding the one or make me angry that I never got what I thought I would from that man.

But instead, that memory just makes me smile. It makes me remember a time in my life that was brilliant and good and I was so full of butterflies I thought I could fly to the top of the mountain I lived on. It reminds me that my heart may have been broken by his sudden absence, but that my heart still has the capability to feel such incredible things.

Letting go of someone you cared about or moving on from a relationship that never was or lasted longer than it should have -is difficult. You can feel your heart physically hurting, your stomach feels queasy and sleep is something that’s hard to come by.

You can burn pictures, block him on Facebook, make crude remarks about his new love interest (and yes, he will find one), and analyze every single choice you made with him trying to figure out what went wrong. You can write him letters you’ll never send, call your friends at 3 a.m. crying and questioning and blame yourself, him, his mother, your mother and your best friend that your love affair is over.

You can promise to never say his name ever again and play it cool when you see him randomly, while secretly wondering if the encounters were serendipitous or planned. You can try to make yourself stop thinking about about everything that included him, or you could let go without forgetting.

Just because this person isn’t part of your life anymore, doesn’t mean that his time in your life wasn’t precious or important. Every single individual that walks into your life, regardless if they stay a day, seven weeks or three years -has a purpose. The imprints they leave on your heart and mind are ones that were necessary for you to be who you are today.

Without their coming, and believe it or not, their going, you wouldn’t be exactly where you need to be. Each relationship teaches you something and each heartbreak only makes you stronger and better prepared for the next great love that comes your way.

So hold onto those happy moments. Remember when the world stopped moving, when he kissed your forehead and you thought you could cry out of pure bliss or when your heart was so full of indescribable love that you thought it could burst at any second.

Remembering will not be painful after a while, and those thoughts will one day bring a smile to your face and you can wish him well with sincerity. And when you pass him for whatever reason and at whatever time, you won’t just look at him thinking about the past, but silently thanking him for what he brought to your life -even if it was just one little kiss that turned your whole world upside down.

Lindsay Tigar is the Editor-at-Large for ChickSpeak, has held various magazine internships including Cosmopolitan, runs every day to relieve stress and hopes to inspire millions of women through her writing one day.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2009/06/24/letting-go-but-not-forgetting-the-key-of-getting-over-someone/

He Needs Space...How Much Do You Give Him?

Between yesterday and tomorrow, between where we want to be and where we are, between the spot where he used to lay and where you lay, and between the melt-your-heart moments and the bitterness that only seems to get thicker.

In life, there is always space.

While sometimes a little leeway creates opportunity for growth, when the one you want to be closer to more than any single being on the planet utters the words “I need some space,” all you want to do is get a little closer and cling to the bond you desperately want to have.

Relationships are difficult to navigate and they never seem to stay on the same path, but rather twist and turn -often going down gravel and dead end roads. While we can’t always hold onto the steering wheel and predict the bumps ahead, as confident and savvy women, we can learn to brace ourselves and always keep our seat-belts on -just in case it all comes crashing down.

When your guy asks for space, he may be doing it for a variety of reasons -and not all of the signs point straight to the end of a relationship. Sometimes, he means exactly what he says: he just needs some wiggle room to figure out life on his own or maybe you need to move your elbows and figure out what you need too.

So before jumping to conclusions and pushing him farther away than he wants to go, try taking a step back and asking yourself a few questions about your relationship:

Are either of you getting ready to make a huge change in your life?

When you have been with someone for month upon month or year upon year, there comes a breaking point -where you may think you want some distance…but maybe not because you’re tired of the person. Maybe for no other reason than you need to figure out how you can fit into each other’s future plans.

If you’re getting ready to hike to new heights and he’s swinging around revolving doors in buildings -he may be wondering where you’re going to fit into his life and vice versa. If he’s having trouble fitting your puzzle pieces together, it’s still a sign he wants to make it work.

Guys are encouraged to be individuals more often than women and while it’s sexist, they typically find better solutions when they are alone, while women usually seek out the advice of their best friend, their first cousin and their freshman year roommate before making a decision.

If tides are rolling, give him time to surf and make it to shore -just make sure he knows you’re riding the waves too and you’ll be a happy beach babe with or without his rescue.

Space Grace Period: A month

Have you been spending a ridiculous amount of time together?

His gym bag, socks, old smelly sneakers, electric razor and his toothbrush are draped around your apartment. You find his t-shirts and boxers mixed in with your whites and you are checking your wallet to see where the check for half of your rent is from him.

Sometimes being in love and thus spending lots of time together in couple-land can be a bit too much, even if you are the best of friends and enjoy one another’s company. If you’ve been spending a lot of time wrapped up in sheets and sharing ice cream on the couch and suddenly he says he needs some space…take him literally.

It’s normal to have a hard time putting our single self on the shelf as ladies, and the guys have the same problem. Sometimes they need time to be themselves and act however they want to, without their girlfriend (or anyone, really) hanging around them.

Give him some inches to grow and within a week, he’ll probably be missing your smile each morning and you’ll be back to being the couple all single people love to hate.

Space Grace Period: One to two weeks

Are your friends or his friends getting hitched or engaged?

There’s this insane trend that I’ve noticed on Facebook lately. Once someone gets engaged, within a week someone else gets engaged -and before I know it, I’ve written “congratulations” at least a dozen times…and ate about three half-gallons of ice cream in the process.

While women may feel a tad bit jealous when albums of our friends (or at least they were our friends once upon a time in the third grade, or something like that) looking happy and beautiful at their wedding, guys tend to have a different reaction.

They get a little freaked out.

Suddenly, all their buddies are saying “I do,” and instead of being an “I” their friends are a “we” and they can’t hang out as often as they used to. They may even see their mentors having children and something inside of them screams for it all to stop.

If your fella decides he needs some space, he may be realizing he’s either ready to get married and can’t believe it, or frankly, isn’t ready to be that committed…yet anyways. Give him room to clear his head and figure out what’s in the upcoming cards for him.

However, this time shouldn’t be spent with him dating other ladies or spreading his wings into other bedrooms, but spent thinking about what he wants. If he wants to break up instead of just giving one another some elbow room, he was never meant to be the one smiling next to you in wedding photos as you cut the cake -but rather the one you should cut out of your life indefinitely.

And remember, if he comes back saying he is the marriage type, just not right now -believe him and decide if you can wait a few more years before signing away forever and your maiden name on the dotted line.

Space Grace Period: One to two months

Did your relationship just take a huge step?

Regardless if it’s the slip of three very magical words, the first real fight or a tragedy you went through together -some events in life bring a couple closer…or farther apart.

If you relationship suddenly got serious or the two of you grew incredibly close seemingly overnight -your guy may be a bit worried. Once a guy opens up and lets a gal inside his heart, he tends to want to keep her safe and protected and if you were recently awarded the chance to walk through the pearly gates -he may be a little scared.

He also may be wondering if he’s ready for a serious relationship or if he can count on you to be there for him through anything that life may dish to him. Let him calm down and take time to think it out -usually if he’s taken one big step with you, he’ll want to take the next one.

Space Grace Period: About a week

Lindsay Tigar is the Editor-at-Large for ChickSpeak and freelances for other sites. She loves her puppy Suzie, high heels in all shapes and sizes, and would vintage shop every single day if she could.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2009/05/25/he-needs-spacehow-much-do-you-give-him/

Letting Go: The Heart of Relationships

Fragile, tender and as delicate as the first bloom in the middle of April.

Yet, passionate, full of all the fire in a single burning flame.

Constantly moving, growing, bleeding and hoping.

It will never be the same tomorrow as it is today, and it knows of the miles traveled yesterday. It forgives, it endures…and above all it lives and breathes.

Your heart is a precious commodity. It belongs to you –and solely you.

There will be moments that come your way, people who enter your life, and you my feel enticed to give this treasure away, but do so only with caution. You must decide if someone is worth sacrificing, or risking this beautiful element of you.

In fact, your heart is…at the heart of who you are. It holds everything near and dear to you –memories from the past, hopes for the future. It captures your best times, it feels the full force of your bad experiences. It contains your fears, and it speaks when you should feel afraid. It helps tell the butterflies when to start flying in your stomach, and it begs your head to just let you feel…and stop thinking, analyzing so much.

Your heart defines who you are, and allowing someone to enter this private zone –or even more intimately, offering them to hold a piece of it in their hands –is absolutely petrifying.

Part of falling in love, and thus implementing your heart into the swing of a relationship, or courtship is being vulnerable. And vulnerability, like other scary things in life –takes courage and involves risk.

This elusive vulnerability is dangerous territory to tread on and the ice can break at any moment –because being vulnerable allows strings at the heart to be pulled away from their secure location deep inside you…and permits them to attach to someone else.

And that someone else could and could not handle them with care.

Jane Collingwood from PsychCentral.com spoke about trust and vulnerability in relationships, and concluded that relationships require a level of vulnerability, attachment and commitment to prosper over long periods.

She stated, “This expression of love puts into practice the key elements of a secure partnership: consistency, attunement to the other, and availability when needed.”

While Collingwood makes perfect sense and sounds very logical –love, or the process of falling into the realm love isn’t consistent, there isn’t always a promise of commitment, or dependence.

That’s why being vulnerable, is in fact, so terrifying.

However ridiculously petrified a woman might be when spending quality time, endless dates, nights of laughter and romance –she must allow herself to be vulnerable with her heart.

She shouldn’t give it away, put it up for rent, or present it on a shiny platter, but she should take a chance allowing it to feel.

Feel the tides of a relationship –the way you felt when he first kissed you, the way he surprised you for no reason, or showed you how he thought of you at an unexpected moment.

And if it goes wrong and the ropes you threw out into the ocean of possibility were somehow tangled by the uncertain waves that love unquestionably presents –those ropes will come back to you, and you will have learned.

And you will feel that lesson. It may be bittersweet, confusing to the extreme, and make you demand the universe a reason why, but you will feel the immensity of that lesson. Your heart will speak for you.

The same heart that allowed itself to be vulnerable, to take an opportunity and maybe, or maybe not fall in love –and be caught, will beat for you.

It will feel a small break, a crack, a tear and it will beat faster and faster, and it may hurt to feel that pounding. But the constant drum is a healing method, a way of letting you know that you can be vulnerable again. You can take another chance…because no matter the course, the pattern of the changing tides, the heart can love again.

After all, it’s at the heart of you. And you, radiant, vibrant woman, forgive. You endure, and more than anything, you live, and you take that big breath in –knowing one day, being vulnerable won’t be so daunting for you…or your heart.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2009/04/03/moving-on-the-heart-of-relationships/

Love in Four Years: Dating in College

It’s unmistakable, completely desirable and most of the time, entirely unattainable at a moment’s notice.

Love.

It’s something we all crave, dream about, indulge in, and try to find.

However, once we find something that possibly could lead to love –we back away at the first indication of imperfection.

Like all good things in life, college relationships require work. They certainly aren’t easy, and if we want the bright shining pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we have to be willing to go through the rainstorm.

Disney, advertisements and romantic movies depict a type of love that’s typically smooth sailing right from the beginning –and falling in love happens at first sight.

This type of relationship, or love, is unrealistic and shouldn’t be something anyone strives for. The best type of relationship –that endures the test of time, doesn’t start off after one date, or one amazing kiss.

Falling in love during college should be gradual, natural and gently progressive. Both partners should be willing to realize and take note of complications that could (and mostly likely will!) develop.

Timing

One person is going one way, the other is going another direction –and ultimately they just want to end up in the same place, at the same time. But it’s just not that easy sometimes.

When you least expect it, and possibly when you really don’t want something in your life –is the moment when a relationship, or mister wonderful comes knocking at your door.

In college; summer internships, studying abroad, extended vacations and being separated over lengthy breaks can make it difficult to feel in sync with your possible mate.

While you can’t control when someone walks into your life, you can handle the situation if he comes at an undesirable time.

Go ahead and test the relationship. Test the passion and chemistry that seems so perfect. See if the same feelings remain after a summer of phone calls and Facebook messages. Be patient and believe that what’s meant to be will find it’s way to you. Sure it’s a lot of extra work and you have to be willing to put yourself out on a limb, but in the end –it could be worth it.

Sincerity

Trust isn’t the simplest thing to develop. Either you give it too freely, or not easily enough. We’ve all been burned, hurt and disappointed. It’s easy to write off every love affair as a mistake and pretend it never happened –just because it caused you pain.

But then you don’t learn. Then you can’t shape your next relationships into something beautiful. You have to struggle before you can find peace and comfort in a relationship.

He may not be like every other guy you’ve dated and he might be. Regardless, everyone deserves a chance and an opportunity to prove themselves.

Developing a foundation of trust takes a while, and the slower you move, the more you get to know someone and you can figure out if they are worthy of your trust, attention, or possible love.

It’s Only Four-ish Years

While the new national average for duration in college is five years –historically most undergraduate students receive their degree in four.

That’s only eight semesters to meet, develop and enjoy a loving, lasting relationship. While it may seem like a long time, it’s not easy to find someone who wants the same things you want out of life.

Furthermore, if you’re lucky enough to meet someone and fall in love, what happens after college? What if you get a job offer in New York City and he’s offered somewhere overseas?

There are going to be logical and distance-perplexities that will arise in college relationships because ultimately, college is the starting line to the race of our lives. We start here, but where we go, is always up in the air.

Sacrifices may have to be made to make a relationship work, and those decisions aren’t always easy to make. Make sure to determine if this is something you’d like to see last long-term before you change any of your girl-on-the-go plans.

A man who is crazy about you –would never ask you to settle or hold back for him –but rather encourage you to chase your dreams…even if they lead you away from him.

Cha Cha Cha Changes

Inevitably, we all change as we go through different experiences, struggles, achievements and issues. Part of the beauty of life is realizing when change is in the forecast, and how to embrace it.

While change is mostly always good and teaches you to grow, it sometimes pushes people apart. While you’re changing and growing, so is your partner and those transformations may transform your relationship…and possibly even end it.

And really, that’s okay. Whatever is meant to be, will find its way to you –and if early changes in a relationship make you drift apart, he was never your one and only to begin with.

Keep Yourself

However much work a relationship, or a possible new partnership may require –it is always important to keep a grip on who you are, what you want and what you deserve.

If a relationship is more work than enjoyment, and more worry than wonder –don’t waste your time, and certainly don’t desecrate all the love you have to give.

Keep your eyes open to what you desire and remember the love we have for ourselves, and personal value we put on our heart is more important than any relationship with a man.

But, if he does seem worth it, and brings an abundance of joy and excitement, passion and security to your life –give him a shot, and be prepared to get your hands dirty from time to time.

Hard work does pay off in the end, after all.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2008/03/31/college-relationships-love-in-four-years/

Letting Go of the Past in Your Relationship

Everyone has a great story. Life is measured by the experiences we endure, and the people that cross our pathways –both of which help guide the pen with which we write.

The older we get and the more knowledge we gain –we write the book of our lives page by page.

To get to the last chapter, we must remember the first chapter –and we can’t enjoy the middle without reflecting to the past, and to the future.

In relationships, there are many sections dedicated to romance and falling in love. We all must write the pages dedicated to first loves, last loves and everything in between.

We also must consider that everyone has a story of their own –just like we do, and part of the beauty of watching two stories grow together is remembering where they started.

At this stage in our lives –the late teens and 20-somethings- we are young, vibrant, growing and gorgeous, and we’re going to stumble upon men we easily could fall head over heels for.

To prevent messy jealous situations –we must remember the men we date have a past, and they will have a future, but right now –we are their present.

Ever since you first decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend in the second grade, you no longer have a “first relationship.” While you will engage in new relationships, they are not your first and most likely, they won’t be your last.

And for your new man –he probably has loved someone before you, and he could love someone after you –but right now, in this special moment and frozen piece of time –he loves you…and you should enjoy it.

It’s hard not to wonder what lies in the pages previous to you and what he could have experienced in the years before he ever laid eyes on you –but we must realize that now, he is with us, and that’s his decision.

Plus, being thankful that you weren’t his very first love isn’t such a bad idea either. First loves are a learning experience in figuring out how we work in relationships –what we like, what we don’t and what we want ultimately from a partner.

Each relationship you’ve had –or he’s had, will help your relationship to be healthier and happier –if both of you can let go of yesteryears. After all, you both did decide to be exclusively with one another, and I’m guessing that choice was based on a pretty solid foundation.

If he didn’t want to be in a relationship, just like if you didn’t –he wouldn’t be. He’s with you, he chooses you, he picked you –regardless if he’s screaming from the rooftop about it, or whispering it in your ear. He wants to be with you, and he has set his past aside in the first chapters –where it belongs.

Now, you have to, too. It’s impossible to create a healthy, exciting and functioning relationship if one partner or both are bringing up times long gone. A relationship involves two people –not those people and everyone they’ve ever loved or been involved with.

A relationship should be intimate, personal and a union between two individuals that care about one another. Sometimes love branches from that connection, and sometimes it may not. Regardless, if a couple isn’t willing to let go of experiences in the past, and grow for their future –a relationship will never develop…and definitely love will never stem.

When following the yellow brick road to our dreams, we must keep our eyes focused towards today, and not worry about what tomorrow may bring, or what yesterday could have caused.

Besides, to write happily ever after and thus, seal the “book of our life”, we really are just writing a new opening paragraph, a preface, or introduction.

Except this time, someone else is helping us guide our pen.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2008/03/22/letting-go-of-the-past-in-your-relationships/

Dating Bill of Rights

He said he didn’t mean to. He said it was a mistake and that it would never happen again.

She wiped the mascara-filled tears from her cheek and iced her eye. She had never felt so much pain in her life.

Pain from every form of abuse imaginable: physical, emotional, and detrimental.

They had been dating for so long, with so much love for one another, and something had changed.

It happened again. And then again. He apologized time after time, but the abuse never seemed to end.

She was too scared to leave. Scared to face the world alone. Even more afraid he’d find her if she tried. That he’d find her…and kill her.

Although no specific name is behind the story above, the faces of women across the country can represent the story, pain and fear described.

Dating violence is a growing problem in relationships today and especially in the high school to college age group.Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence –nearly 20 per 1,000 women, according to the Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence.

Furthermore, a survey of 500 women from the same study determined that 60 percent were involved in an ongoing abusive relationship, and all had experienced violence in a dating relationship.

Astoundingly, one in five college women can expect to be involved in some shape of dating violence while studying to get their degree. It’s not acceptable and it’s certainly not something to be hushed or hid behind closed doors. It’s a problem and an area that should be improved.

To end this violence, women must realize what constitutes dating violence and how women can take back the right a man’s trying to take from her.

Dating violence can range from less serious physical abuse to prolonged emotional and detrimental cruelty.

If a man does the following he committing dating violence against you:

• Hits, pinches, slaps, punches or harms you with his hands in any manner
• Consistently puts down your thoughts, goals, choices in life and makes you feel like you are worthless
• Forces you to have sexual intercourse with him, or any other type of sexual act that you don’t consent to.
• Tells you how to live your life and controls every decision you make

In relationships, both partners have the right to be happy, successful and independent. A person should never complete you, and make you feel like you must have them to fulfill your purpose in life.

To make sure you are part of a thriving relationship that is balanced, fair and not violent, follow this “Dating Bill of Rights”, provided by the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

I have a right to:

• Ask for a date
• Refuse a date
• Suggest activities
• Refuse activities, even if my date is excited about them
• Have my own feelings and be able to express them
• Say, “I think my friend is wrong and his actions are inappropriate.”
• Tell someone not to interrupt me
• Have my limits and values respected
• Refuse affection
• Be heard
• Refuse to lend money
• Refuse sex at any time, for any reason
• Have friends and space aside from my partner

I have the responsibility to:

• Determine my limits and values
• Respect the limits of others
• Communicate clearly and honestly
• Not violate the limits of others
• Ask for help when I need it
• Be considerate
• Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for me
• Set high goals for myself

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2008/03/19/do-you-know-your-dating-bill-of-rights/

Rules to Date By

Relationships don’t take place in a court of law, despite how much easier it would make them sometimes.

There are no written rules or set of laws to abide by. There isn’t a lawyer fighting in your defense if you absolutely know you are correct during an argument. And as unfortunate as it is, we can’t sue the men we date because they decide they don’t love us, cheated on us or just turned out to be nothing like what we thought.

While we can’t encourage a settlement, or sign a document with our hand on the Bible promising we’ll tell the whole truth and nothing but it- there are a few rules we should set for ourselves. These rules will keep our relationships healthy and prospering, while maintaining a necessary sense of confidence, self-assurance, and keep us brilliant and bold- single or taken.

1.) Thou shall never wear something simply because “he” likes it

Sure, we’ve been told to wear our hair and choose underwear based on how our male counterparts will react. And maybe some of us (especially if you’re from the South like me) have even been instructed to say “I don’t care” as the answer to any question that comes from a man’s lips. I mean, one should be docile, easy to get along with, and sweet, right?

Wrong. Be you. Wear your hair how you like it. Paint your nails the color that makes you feel the sexiest. If you like thongs and he likes boy shorts, tell him to get over it. You are a powerful and vivacious woman, and you should wear your favorite dress- even if it may fit a bit too tight or be from last season.

When you sport outfits and looks that make you feel the best about yourself- you will radiate an aura of poise and beauty that’s unmeasured and impossible to ignore. The right kind of guys who care about who you are from the inside out, will value and be incredibly attracted to a woman that knows who she is, and isn’t afraid to show it.

2.) Thou shall never stop believing in fairytales.

While I can’t promise you a man in spandex with a sword and black stallion will ride up to your apartment’s doorstep, speak with an English accent, singing a Disney song and sweep you off your feet- I can guarantee if you believe in your version of Prince Charming, he will surely appear in your life.

I once had a boyfriend that told me I was unrealistic about relationships. He said I believe in a type of love that doesn’t exist and I should settle for what I have and stop wishing for something that’s completely out of reach. I promptly told him I would never stop having faith in a love that tops the charts, and he obviously wasn’t the one to make my dreams come true.

The moment you settle for less than what you truly deserve, is the very moment you will receive it. You have to believe in a love you can’t feel, a miracle you can’t foresee, and a promise you were given the moment you decided you wanted that fairytale to begin with.

3.) Thou shall never date another woman’s man

Ever heard of karma? Justin Timberlake and Buddha warn of the horrible effects that could happen if you make poor decisions that negatively impact others.

Plus, if a man is willing to date you when he is with someone else- more than likely he’ll do the same to you if you end up dating him. A confident woman who is satisfied with her life would never crave someone else’s leftovers. Have respect for yourself and for fellow women.

4.) Thou shall never have sex on the first date.

Simply stated- it’s just not classy. Your sex life is ultimately up to you, but half the chase is over for men once they score action under the sheets.

Regardless of what you say to a man- such as- “I usually don’t do this,” men are more physical and visual than women and they will believe what they see and feel, not what they or we say and hear.

Keep him lingering for a second date or at least a second…perhaps, first kiss.

5.) Thou shall never give up on your personal goals to support his.

Rock star Tori Amos once said, “The way I see it, the men I’m with whomever they are, it’s like, look, you have to accept that I like ice cream, and I know it shows up on my hips, but if you can’t accept that, then leave. Go away, toodles. It’s non-negotiable.”

While problems in relationships typically don’t originate from debates about ice cream, Amos has a valid point. A man should love you for you, just as you should love him for him.

If he really, truly cared about you in the way you want and deserve, he would never ask you to stop doing something you loved- whether it’s eating ice cream- or going to law school; even if it left him waiting in the sidelines.

Relationships are about compromise and working together to make two people correlate their different lives together- but they are not about changing the other person. Find someone who loves the YOU that you love.

6.)Thou shall never over analyze every little thing.

On average, women say twice as many or more words than men. While not surprising, it’s not always a positive quality. With our brains moving at mile a minute, it’s no surprise that we tend to over analyze more than our male counter parts, too.

When men do things or make small decisions, they are less likely to think about their actions after the fact, and they certainly aren’t obsessing over whether their jeans make their butts look big. There is something to be said for making a decision and then moving forward from there. They just do it.

They may not realize that their harmless aversion to doing dishes or calling you exactly when they say they will may negatively affect you or makes you feel like your concerns aren’t important. They’re not mind readers, after all. Stop looking into every single detail and enjoy how you feel instead of indulging in what you think they’re trying to tell you. Get lost in emotion and action before you drown yourself, and possibly your relationship in thought. Stop worrying about the impact, and enjoy the fall.

7.) Thou shall never think “he’s too good for me”

If relationships were based on a ten point scale, you should always place yourself at ten and consider any guy who begs your attention at one until he proves himself worthy.

If you don’t allow yourself to be open to a guy simply because you think he’s not at your level or he would never fall for you- you’re making a huge mistake and missing out on lots of opportunities.

Ladies don’t limit themselves.

8.) Thou shall never date someone just because you are lonely.

While I’m sure hugging pillow night after night and snuggling up to a ten-year teddy bear seems less than satisfying- dating someone who you don’t really care for will never quench your desire.

It’s easy to go back an ex or settle for a little less than what you’re looking for. But if you continuously just date someone to prevent having a “relationship void” in your life, you’ll never find the perfect person you’re searching for.

9.) Thou shall never wallow in regret over any relationship.

There are some memories you’ll never want to live again and even more you wish you could relive every minute of every day.

Each relationship, each person is brought into our lives for a special and unique reason. The purpose of any experience is to teach us something we can use in our future. Regretting leaves no room for progress.

With tear drops, wadded tissues, or with bittersweet good-byes, take each relationship in stride, remember what you’ve had –and look forward to the bright beginnings sure to come.

10.) Thou shall not only follow these rules, but make your own.

Never simply follow a list of rules (much like these) given to you by someone else. Everyone creates a life of their own and must shape that life through individual experiences, achievements and shortcomings. Make your relationships your own, as well as the rules you live by.

Just never settle.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2008/02/25/rules-to-date-by-decoding-relationship-fumbles/

This Seat is Taken...By Me!

In lines and with bookmarks. Through restaurant reservations and seating arrangements. By spreading personal objects across a row and by placing your hand across a chair.

There are many ways to hold a place.

Sometimes even in a metaphorical manner. Women set aside a part of their heart, a portion of the definition of whom they are…in waiting in for a perfect person to fill it.

Recently, I was with one of my closest friends and her boyfriend at a movie theater. My friend was concerned that I would feel like the third wheel, but being brave and single all in the same sentence –I took the risk and tagged along with a couple.

Without hesitation, I placed my coat and my purse in the seat next to me when I sat down to watch the movie. At some point in the overly feminine (and incredibly entertaining) chick flick, I glanced over at my coat and purse and thought of something I never considered.

I’m single. I’m confident and able. I blaze my own trails and walk, or strut down them on my own. I buy myself flowers and I enjoy my personal time.

I’m not saving a seat for someone in the theater seat next to me. I don’t place my red peacoat and Coach handbag in the place next to me, hoping that some wonderful man will come and sit next to me.

I’m not a lady in waiting…but a girl going places. And for my age –and for every woman of any age –it’s perfectly fine, and completely acceptable to have a seat open or a fraction of her heart…that’s just for her.

There are plenty of guys that will fill a void in a woman’s life with affection, gifts and attention, but it’s not what a woman necessarily needs.

Everyone, men and women alike, deserve to be loved for who they are and not for what’s expected of them. Women are often stereotyped as being the damsel in distress, or the beautiful maiden waiting for a handsome gentleman to come and rescue her.

But maybe that’s not applicable to the modern woman’s lifestyle. Or the man’s, for that matter.

The Curtis Singers have a song titled “To Be Loved” that encourages men and women to strive for love –and not just partnership, or the comfort of a relationship based on ancient labels.

They begin with males and describe how they are commonly portrayed, or socialized to be: “Mind your manners, watch your weight, be a good boy, just behave. What’s wrong with you? Settle down. Keep your two feet on the ground. Stand up straight, sit up tall, never falter, never fall. Stay in school, make the grade, never fail and never fade. Be a hero, be a star, anything but who you are. Find a girl to possess, always pay, pursue, protect, be a master, be a slave, work your ass into an early grave.”

For the woman they illustrate a somewhat 1950’s viewpoint, “Daddy’s favorite little girl, dress up in your momma’s pearls. Serve us breakfast in her bed, earn a little kiss on the forehead. You are sugar, you are spice, you are growing up so nice. Paint your nails, paint your face, paint around the empty space. Find a man who can provide, try and fill the hold inside –with a family and a home, tell yourself you’re not alone. Keep your memories of yourself, in a shoebox on a closet shelf.”

But, as The Curtis Singers say, you deserve to be loved.

And you do.

It’s more important to strive for love, to believe in the power it has –regardless if it’s through romance, friendships or family kinships –love is greater than companionship.

So why hold a spot? Why save your other half simply for just another half? Wouldn’t you rather be a whole person, and pair with another whole person?

In waiting and wishing and hoping and praying –you are taking away from the relationship destined between yourself…and yourself. Set aside time for a one-on-one or dinner for one reservation at your favorite diner, and enjoy the company of yourself.

Define who you are and embrace it. Life isn’t essentially about finding yourself, but it’s about defining who you are. Creating the person you want to be by investigating your likes, your dislikes, your fears and your passions. Beat to the beat of your own drums…or maybe to the music of Jimmy Choo shoes tapping through the streets.

While my friend has another person to sit with her in a movie theater, and I’m happy for her contentment with him –the seat next to me is flawlessly fulfilled with my jacket and my purse.

And if anyone asks if the seat is taken, the answer is yes…for now.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2008/02/14/on-valentines-day-this-seat-is-happily-taken/

Be the Princess of Your Own Life

Never-never land, castles fit for princess living, long gorgeous flowing dresses with beautiful trains that trail for miles, fairy godmothers and happily ever afters are all images I vividly remember from my childhood.

I remember swaying on a tree swing, looking up at a blue North Carolina summer day sky and dreaming of a wonderful man that would sweep me off my feet. I pictured the texture of his hair, the shade of his eyes and since I had never been kissed at that point- I wondered what our very first encounter would feel like.

I longed for an incredible story about being rescued, being captivated by the embodiment of my perfect, ideal mate standing in front of me. I wanted to walk down the isle and watch tears fill in my father’s eyes as he presents me to this new leading man in my life.

I could sit for hours and remember the hope and desire I felt in my heart and soul as a child about my future in relationships.

However, it seems the older I get, and the more men that pass through my life- my fear of never finding “Prince Charming” only grows steadily.

I’ve had countless discussions with all my girlfriends- each of them- regardless if they are in committed relationships or not- wonders what the future will hold and can’t help but feel a stinging pinch in their stomach when the thought of being single…forever… crosses their mind.

Many women seem to be waiting for this amazing man to come along and are continuously getting sick and tired of hanging around wondering when he’s going to show up.

Well ladies, hanging around and being consistently available and anticipant of Mr. Right’s arrival isn’t the best decision to make.

Sitting around, dreaming, wondering, and creating a near-impossible idea of this man in your mind- will only make you lonely, scared and bored!

If your mister wonderful isn’t knocking on your door right now- it doesn’t mean he never will, but it does mean you should focus your attention on other activities.

Although fairytales convinced us that our “other half” is out there, and we are not complete without their presence in our lives- that is far fetched idea from reality. The most attractive quality a woman can encompass is a quiet confidence in herself- regardless if she has guy candy next to her or not.

Figure out who you are. Go for a hike. Take a walk in the park. Apply for an internship. Advance your career. Be spontaneous. Take a trip somewhere. Have martinis with your girlfriends. Dance on a bar and don’t care what someone will think. Adopt a puppy. Go on five millions dates with anyone who interests you. Say no to those you don’t like. Take a bubble bath. Paint your fingernails. Play in the rain. Smile at strangers. Live with intent, ambition and purpose. Live the life you want to live.

A man is never going to complete a void you may feel. If you feel an empty space in your heart or in your life- it’s your job, not prince charming’s responsibility to rescue you from that space and fill it up with his “lovey-dovey ness.”

You are accountable for your life, your actions and the way you feel about the amount of content in your life.

Think about it- if you go out with someone that seems like he’s desperate for someone to change his life for him- or fill a place that seems incomplete- aren’t we immediately turned off?

Don’t we long for a self-assured, successful, charming man that is amazed by who we are- but challenge us to chase them? Challenges us to be better people? We don’t want to be the missing puzzle piece to complete the puzzle of a man’s life- and he doesn’t want that either.

No one wants to feel needed from the very beginning. And frankly, you never need anyone more than you need yourself. Focus your energy on yourself, your career, your friendships and the items that should be of utmost priority in your life right now. And perhaps, relationships shouldn’t top the charts at this point.

Believing in fairytales and in magic moments isn’t something you should stop doing, but it is something you should stop looking for.

When the time is right, and the person is right, you will meet him and your worries about this will come to an end. He won’t necessarily rescue you, because you don’t need to be liberated from a life without him. But he will add a special element to your life that will hopefully make you incredibly happy.

But nothing will compare to that happiness if you are positively content, and successful alone before you commit to someone else. When both partners in a relationship are flourishing, confident and satisfied with the lives they live alone- putting those lives together creates nothing short of happily ever after.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2007/12/11/build-your-own-castles-be-the-princess-of-your-life/

What's on Your Relationship Resume?

A woman is a climber.

She wears sturdy gear, like expensive high-heels, heavy-hold hairspray, and a smile on her face to protect herself from the world.

She faces harsh conditions, failures, disappointments and several outcomes she never expected. Yet, with every distress, she sees it as a chance to improve herself, and when she finally climbs another step on the ladder of success- she marks it on her resume’ and continues on the march up.

Why is it, then, when climbing over the many mountains of relationship struggles, do women forget to put disappointments and shortcomings on their relationship resume?

If the career chain is full of resumes that constantly change and improve, why isn’t the relationship world defined by resumes too? I’m not saying that when a woman meets a mister wonderful, she should hand him her Vera Wang scented pink resume’, that would surely scare away anyone, man or not. But mentally or possibly written down for your own use, it’s not a bad idea to keep track of what you’ve learned, and what you’ve accomplished in every relationship…or kind-of-relationship.

It seems that women automatically look to themselves when something goes wrong with a possible or current partner, and criticize ourselves relentlessly to figure out what WE did wrong. We then place all the blame on ourselves, fall into a pit of empty ice cream containers, and scratched Sex & the City DVDs, and wallow in our misery of a relationship gone astray. Yet, in the career or school setting, when we make a mistake, we do analyze what we did incorrectly and improves ourselves. We then do not make the same mistake again, and we write down a new achievement to give to possible career aspects.

Wouldn’t it be benefiting to learn from the mistakes you made- or your partner made- in past relationships, and not drag them into the next loving connection?

It may sound silly, and a little juvenile, but you will feel so relieved once you’ve written down everything you’ve learned from each man you’ve encountered. It’s not a bad idea to concentrate on good qualities you liked in someone as well; employers like to see positive qualities over negative ones, don’t they?

Your relationship resume may look something like this:

Jane A. Doe

Star Characteristics: Sexy, successful and sweet.

University: Perfect Point USA University

Degree: Public Relations, in progress

Applicable Experience: 3 serious boyfriends

Countless dates and non-relationships

OBJECTIVE: To be comfortable with myself and to learn from past relationships about what I want to achieve in future relationships. I hope to meet a man that fits my needs, and I fit his.

EDUCATION

High School: Dated Mark for three years

• I liked:
  • Smile
  • Chemistry
  • Communication skills
  • Making out
  • Being his cheerleader girlfriend
• I disliked:
  • Him always flirting with other girls
  • My jealousy
  • His stupidity (aka- C’s in regular science)
  • Him going away for college
  • His best friend

College:

Freshman year: sort-of-dated John

• I liked:
  • Sneaking into his all-boy dorm
  • Exploring new kissing methods
  • Feeling older and more mature
• I disliked:
  • He didn’t want to be exclusive
  • I saw him with another girl
  • He chose another girl over me

Sophomore Year: Dated Cameron four months

• I liked:
  • Our perfect first date
  • Him being a gentleman
  • Taking things slow
  • Crazy, exciting dates
  • The first time he said “I love you”
• I disliked:
  • Him moving to Spain for a year
  • Him choosing his career over me

Everyone’s relationship resume will look different, and some will have resumes longer than others, but they each tell the story of where we’ve been, what we’ve learned, and what we want.

Instead of punishing yourself for ruining yet another “perfect” relationship, learn from your mistakes, and from the parts that were difficult.

Ask yourself why you were jealous, if you had a reason to be, why you weren’t comfortable, or why you were with him to begin with.

Then you can put on K.T. Tunstall’s “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree”, your red Manolos, and realize the vibrant, amazing and unique woman you are- instead of looking at all the negativity of your past, and instead, feel at ease with the unknown of the future.

You may find peace in just letting go every tiny, little, critically analyzed piece of information you can think of.

God knows you don’t want to have all of those questions running through your head when you go out on another date with someone new.

So decorate your relationship resume however you want, pink with Vera Wang, or unscented and legal-size white paper- jot it all down and read over it before you start getting involved in your next relationship.

It will remind you of the climb you’ve endured, and give you faith that the peak of the mountain is closer than you expect.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2007/11/30/whats-on-your-relationship-resume/

New Relationship Jitters, Enjoy the Butterflies

Butterflies: delicate creatures, you cannot hold in your hand and surprise you with their presence. They don’t just habituate in nature, but in the stomachs of those lucky individuals in new relationships.

Wikipedia defines “butterflies in the stomach” as a medical condition that is induced by epinephrine, or adrenaline, when one is nervous. While I’m not sure if I would consider “warm fuzzies” in the stomach a medical condition, I do recognize new relationship jitters. A census conducted by the New York Times stated the 51 percent of all women live without a spouse. However, just because over half of the female population chooses to be single or has just not found that special someone, when they do, most women report on feeling a little queasy about the whole idea of a relationship.

Being a single, successful, sassy and sophisticated lady is an exhilarating feeling.

You’re climbing the career ladder by yourself, choosing when you want to go out for martinis with your best girls, going to bed when you please, and making weekend plans, all without consideration of what anyone else thinks.

It’s exciting to feel independent and make choices without consulting someone else first.

Nevertheless, it’s possibly a little more thrilling to know that someone else is part of the equation and is competing with everything else in your life for your time and attention.

And perhaps, it’s a little scary too.

Relationships take you by surprise, much like a butterfly’s presence- you never expect when they’ll come about, and when they do- they distract you, and steal your concentration from what you’re life used to be.

It’s easy to get used to the parade of jerks that many women fall subject to. Believing that something you can trust and fall into is out there- and ready to fall with you- is frightening. It almost seems too good to be true.

But, just because Mr. I Don’t Want To Commit, Mr. I Only Want To Sleep With You, Mr. I’ve Never Taken a Shower in my Life, and Mr. Sleazy Creepy Pants always seem to give a bad rep to the male population as a whole- there are some guys- that are rare and far between that want more from you than your body- and know how to make you smile from ear-to-ear.

Once you find Mr. This Could Be Something Special- it’s natural to feel a little uneasy.

It’s almost an indescribable feeling of excitement, anticipation, curiosity and fear.

Excited for a new journey with someone who is promising, anticipation for what’s to come next, curiosity of what they’re like, of how you work together, of where it’ll go, and fear of falling too hard, too quick, and that you won’t be able to break your walls down to let them in. Or just afraid that if you hold on too tight- they may just escape from you. Just like the butterfly.

And although, you may just want to relax and ignore the butterflies- it’s better to allow yourself to feel them.

You should permit yourself to be distracted by the beauty that’s suddenly dancing, fluttering around you. And you ought to allow yourself to be a little scared, a little anticipant- it’s all part of enjoying bright beginnings that possibly could lead to your happy ending.

You can never anticipate the arrival of a butterfly; they are constantly moving, traveling from one place to another, and only rarely do they land to rest for a moment.

Gently, the fly around you, teasing you with their beauty and tempting you to reach out and touch them. If only for a moment, to feel their soft texture and capture their splendor inside your hands.

Yet, you do not want to confine a butterfly for very long in fear that somehow, in someway, it will be harmed and escape from you before you have chance to hold it close.

The butterfly may escape from you and it may not stick around for very long- but it’s not that often that something mysterious and beautiful comes to rest on your shoulder for a while.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2007/11/01/new-relationship-jitters-enjoy-the-butterflies/

What's in a Kiss?

It’s the inevitable increasing heart rate, followed by sweaty palms, and a gushing sigh. It’s the curiosity of another person, the anticipation of the first move, and the intensity of something unfamiliar suddenly becoming quite familiar.

A kiss.

It’s shared between thousands of people every day in multiple varieties, and often causes women to rack their brains in search of a deeper meaning. In fact, women have been trying to decode the unusual characteristics of men since the two species discovered one another.

From examining how long it takes for him to call and whether or not he opens the door on the first date to where he puts his hands when he holds you in his arms, women analyze every verbal and non-verbal movement.

Aretha Franklin may declare that the key to unlocking every intention of a man simply lays in his kiss…but does it really?

According to an article published last year in the New York Times, researchers have tried for centuries to decode the meaning of a kiss. Many cultures and icons in history have their own definition a kiss. Martin Von Kempe, a 17^th-century polymath composed a 1,000-page encyclopedia on kissing explaining his opinion on 20 different varieties.

Charles Darwin noted that kissing “is replaced in various parts of the world by the rubbing of noses.” In Africa, the Pacific, and the Americas, cultures did not know about kissing until they were introduced to European explorers, and most thought of kissing as rather disgusting. In sixth century France, dancing was used to display affection and each dance generally ended with a kiss, according to syncrat.com.

At one point, it was even hypothesized that the reason people found kissing pleasurable was because when two lips met, it created an actual electric current.

Although kissing has a history and definition that is described differently throughout every culture, men, in general, have few classifications of lip locking. According to a study conducted at the University of Albany by psychologist Gordon Gallup, men aren’t too picky about kissing. In fact, most men reported that if a kiss isn’t exactly up to par, they will still continue to pursue a sexual relationship and kiss-less sex doesn’t bother them. Gallup went on to conclude that men and women have developed differently ideologies about kissing over time. For a man, kissing is the first step on a sexual ladder, where a woman sees a kiss as a ‘mate assessment device’.

In fact, according to the study, Gallup concluded that men enjoy more saliva in a kiss because it encourages hormonal reactions, while women are more concerned with a man’s breath, and whether or not the kiss could be the stem to more meaningful kisses.

A man’s kiss alone, without other factors, does not define how he feels about a woman. If a woman kisses a man at a party or bar after a round of shots or martinis, his kiss is not going to be a kiss that Aretha proposes defines their ‘love’ for her.

Finding the core significance of a man’s feelings is not by the interlocking of their lips with a woman’s, but by the actions and affections he demonstrates towards her.

Anyone can physically perform a kiss, as Webster defines as “the act of caressing the lips”. However, when a man really shows his love or fondness for someone, it’s not something that just anyone can do. According to Jaleh Donaldson, a columnist for Associated Content, there are sure ways to decode a man’s feelings for a woman.

When a man loves a woman (yes, I may be referring to Percy Sledge lyrics), he will be loyal to her, call her frequently, have the desire to see her, the drive to go places and do things with her, he will spend money on her, show her good manners, will only want to date her, and believe it or not, he will actually say ‘I love you’.

Aretha may have encouraged women of all ages to take the plunge and test the kissing waters of the men they are interested in, but she was not accurate in leading them in interpreting a man’s feelings. If you want to know if he really loves you, spend time with him, pay attention to his actions around you, listen to what he says to you, and most importantly, communicate.

If that communication involves a little smooch here and there, that can’t be bad for you either. Just don’t let it be everything.

http://chickspeak.com/blog/2007/10/10/whats-in-a-kiss/