In every relationship we experience, there are certain memories that remain long after the relationship has ended. What remains locked in the back of our minds are not the typical thoughts that come with every relationship: the first time you saw him, when he asked to be your boyfriend, etc, but the insignificant details of his presence in your life.
With one of the guys I dated, there is one moment I swear I’ll never forget -not because it was incredibly rare or out of the ordinary, but because it was the moment I knew I was falling in love with him, and that he had the ability to break my heart.
We went to see some band at an on-campus club via my photography pass from the newspaper I worked for (I almost got fired for that, by the way), and we spent the night dancing and talking and listening to a somewhat decent group of guys bang on drums and strum a guitar. I can’t say the music stayed with me, but his touch did.
He wasn’t fresh or inappropriate, but he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He wasn’t overly sexual and I didn’t feel uncomfortable, but I realized for the first time he was just as into me as I was into him. I sighed a sigh of relief at the time, and sank into his arms as we took silly pictures and laughed as nothing particularly, just at the happiness that came of us being together.
And then, the last song came on, and I was prepared to dance again, when he turned me around, wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. It wasn’t the best kiss we ever had, and it wasn’t the last, but when his lips touched mine, that entire room became oblivious.
There was no band playing, there were no drunken hippies dancing awkwardly next to us or people stepping on my heels. The lights weren’t shining down on us, the room wasn’t damp from sweat and body heat -nothing else was in that room but him.
After what seemed like an hour of kissing, but probably was just a few seconds, I opened my eyes and looked at him, and we were both quiet but saying more with a single stare then we probably said to one another the time we dated. I still get chill bumps thinking about it right now.
While we had lots of good memories together and fun, passion, romance and sweet nothings I of course will never forget -above all other things, he opened me up. He stopped the rest of the world around me -the chaos, the busy schedules, the go-getter girl I am, the constant worrying about tests and GPAs and internships, and he made me relax.
He gave me a center, a peace of mind and a security that no one ever has. He wasn’t the first guy that wanted to take care of me or call me his but he was the first (and only, so far) that I allowed to.
Before this certain guy, I had this huge wall up against guys. I credit it to my past, my own insecurities and my fear of being forever damaged, but I was the girl who was not going to let a guy in until I knew for certain he wouldn’t disappoint me. I was confident that when I met someone that could be something and my heart finally felt that “thing” I was looking for -I would allow my wall to crumble.
I was certain it would fall to the ground easily and the struggle wouldn’t be difficult because I would trust whoever it was I was letting in.
So, down came my wall after that kiss in the middle of the dance floor. Without trouble, without a bulldozer, without a swinging ball or army of ten million men -in one kiss, my wall was down and I became exposed to him.
While that kiss seemed to be the promise of a powerful and passionate relationship, the fates had something different in mind. Needless to say, we broke up long before anything had time to flourish.
That memory, along with a several more from every single relationship, fling, encounter or date I’ve ever had, could be hurtful. That memory could remind me of what I had, what slipped away, what never was, what could have been or what never will be.
It could remind me of my shortcomings, my uncertainty about my future in relationships, my fear of not finding the one or make me angry that I never got what I thought I would from that man.
But instead, that memory just makes me smile. It makes me remember a time in my life that was brilliant and good and I was so full of butterflies I thought I could fly to the top of the mountain I lived on. It reminds me that my heart may have been broken by his sudden absence, but that my heart still has the capability to feel such incredible things.
Letting go of someone you cared about or moving on from a relationship that never was or lasted longer than it should have -is difficult. You can feel your heart physically hurting, your stomach feels queasy and sleep is something that’s hard to come by.
You can burn pictures, block him on Facebook, make crude remarks about his new love interest (and yes, he will find one), and analyze every single choice you made with him trying to figure out what went wrong. You can write him letters you’ll never send, call your friends at 3 a.m. crying and questioning and blame yourself, him, his mother, your mother and your best friend that your love affair is over.
You can promise to never say his name ever again and play it cool when you see him randomly, while secretly wondering if the encounters were serendipitous or planned. You can try to make yourself stop thinking about about everything that included him, or you could let go without forgetting.
Just because this person isn’t part of your life anymore, doesn’t mean that his time in your life wasn’t precious or important. Every single individual that walks into your life, regardless if they stay a day, seven weeks or three years -has a purpose. The imprints they leave on your heart and mind are ones that were necessary for you to be who you are today.
Without their coming, and believe it or not, their going, you wouldn’t be exactly where you need to be. Each relationship teaches you something and each heartbreak only makes you stronger and better prepared for the next great love that comes your way.
So hold onto those happy moments. Remember when the world stopped moving, when he kissed your forehead and you thought you could cry out of pure bliss or when your heart was so full of indescribable love that you thought it could burst at any second.
Remembering will not be painful after a while, and those thoughts will one day bring a smile to your face and you can wish him well with sincerity. And when you pass him for whatever reason and at whatever time, you won’t just look at him thinking about the past, but silently thanking him for what he brought to your life -even if it was just one little kiss that turned your whole world upside down.
Lindsay Tigar is the Editor-at-Large for ChickSpeak, has held various magazine internships including Cosmopolitan, runs every day to relieve stress and hopes to inspire millions of women through her writing one day.
http://chickspeak.com/blog/2009/06/24/letting-go-but-not-forgetting-the-key-of-getting-over-someone/
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